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Reality

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I’ve been trying to calm a hyperventilating Winnie for about a half hour now and it’s not yet 5am. The night before, Piper was a disaster and screaming all night long. This is the reality of suicide. This is what happens when their father goes missing all of a sudden and shows back up in a casket. Never ever ever in a million years would Denny have done this if he were in the right mind. Never. Look at the suffering my babies are going through. It is very apparent. Look at what I’m going through. I’m just so tired. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually... I’m sure the girls are too. They also both end up in bed with me after only a few hours each night so it doesn’t help with the whole sleep thing. 

How are my girls? Not good. They had a good day or two this week but the rest of the time has had much more downs than ups. Not many ups at all. When people come over to visit, Winnie often just stays in her room. Normally she’s the child who runs out the second someone comes through the door. Previous to the last two weeks ish, if someone were even to deliver something to our door, W would insist she say hi or chase them outside after to make sure they saw her and she could ask, “What’s your name?” 

That is no longer her norm. It is really heartbreaking. She’s my sunshine and rainbows child and she’s not that anymore. I hope it’ll come back soon. But you hear all of the time about how kids go through trauma and it completely changes them. I hope she gets her innocent and sweet little quirks back. 

I’ll be taking her to therapy starting this next week. A three year old to therapy. Yep. This is real life for us. I have to. I have to do whatever I can to help her heal so that this doesn’t affect her so deeply for her whole life. 

This isn’t okay. Don’t do this to your family. They need you and they want you. Death of a parent due to a car accident or illness is also tragic in a young life, but the trauma of losing your parent to suicide-their own choice-no matter how delusional that choice was- is so so overwhelming. Tell someone if you are feeling like your life doesn’t matter. It does. Please don’t do this. The sole purpose of me telling this story is to prevent it to happening to one more person.

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